It's been a while since either of us have published, though I have some things in the works. For whatever reason, maybe the high mineral content at our new house clogging the pipes, the open taps aren't pouring much water. However, since it's the time for hype and absurdity, I gotta do something. Anything. Powder (online, derogatory) Mag has some of those ever-present listicles up on they site, so maybe I'll do my version of a reaction video. Which, bee tee dubs, are kinda lame.
Supposedly this is some place out east called Gaspésie? Or Chic Choc? I don't know. Sounds fishy. Everyone knows Colorado is the only mountains.
Top 10 best ski areas in Colorado:
1. Monarch
3. Woof Crick
3. Loveland
6. Cooper
9. Kendall?
Pretty sure this is just past the Flatirons.
Top 10 skis:
1. Not Bode
2. Corinne Suter
3. OH S#!T I SAID SKIS
4. 2006 Head Monster 88, but only in 175, I've decided.
5. Japan
6. Dammit, I meant skis!
9. 2003 Rossi Bandit XXX
7. Really, Bode? Guy's a nutjob. My skis are better than all the others cos one time I got drunk I mean my mechanic cut a hole in my I mean he took off a thing? Aw, heck, I don't know. Buy my stuff. I swear they're totally not just cast-off Elans.
10. I don't know, these?:
1000 Skis. The name is Really Dumb Marketing, but then, I'm old. I'll go back to listening to Ralph Mooney, who, unlike the object of failed 90s alt-rock band Weezer's only half-okay song El Scorcho, did not shred the cello. The pedal steel, however, he could bend more than this cat will ever bend these skis.
Top 10 best beer towns in ski land:
1. Joke's on you. I don't think Fairbanks is a beer town.
I good at stuff. What else you got?
Top 10 best Gore alternatives:
1. Bill Bradley
2. Flannel. The useder the better.
3. A chamois shirt. Doesn't hafta be real chamois.
4. McCauley Mountain.
5. Any ol' hoodie. Unless it's like Kid Rock or some shit.
6. Carharrts. Not waterproof, you say? Then don't fall. I mean, I've never fallen. Ever. I don't have a broken toe right now from crashing at work, you have a broken toe right now from crashing at work.
9. Diamond Rio's debut record. So much good twang. Bend them strangs.
11. West Mountain
Then again, Catamount looks pretty good, too. AND IT'S IN TWO STATES. WHEEEEEEE!!!
Top 10 best ski areas that I am thinking about right the heck now:
1. Cayuse Pass
2. Beaver. The real one.
3. Mt Ski Gull
4. Beech
5. Bear Valley
6. That one spot above Bunny Flat
7. I think there's some runs on the other side of the Eibsee?
8. Mt Lemmon. Just ax the Sonoran Avalanche Centre.
9. Bruce Mound
10. Dry Hill
11. Big Rock
12. Skiers' right of Chair 6. I'm betting anywhere.
0. I just remembered Lost Trail but reformatting is hard.
Going with this skiers' right of a Chair 6 for now. It's definitely totally my favourite run at Bogus except probly LuLu, which is like, a beginner run, but don't tell anyone cos I'm the best skier on the mountain hash tag G.N.A.R. points or whatever is over there by Chair 5 or like woods and stuff.
Top 10 best preseason workout moves:
1. To Bethel, Maine.
2. Coffee.
3. Sauna, unless you're like me and can't sauna even though all your ancestors did and you're named after Finland.
4. GET YER DAMN BOOTS FIT.*
* Oh wait. That's for me.
11. Burrito
LXXVII. If you have a few spare bucks, go see an actual ski-experienced PT or trainer.
Or, I don't know, try to copy Thibau.
Top 10 best doughnuts:
1. Cruller
2. Glazed Old Fashioned. Seriously. If it were a song Ted Cruz would hafta rate it higher than Desperado.
3. The ones you sit on if you gots the hemorrhoids.
4. Mighty-O. I don't care that they're pretentious. I don't care that they are in Seattle. They're the only doughnut hall I'll forgive for not doing crullers.
3.5 Happy Doughnuts at the corner of 2nd, 2nd, Main, and Stewart in Puyallup. You read all of that right. AND THEY DO CRULLERS. (Don't @ me if my info's wrong cos it's 14 years old.)
7. A good apple fritter. If you make a bad one, we fightin.
17. For some reason, Bloogist changed my formatting in the middle of this post.
27.2. The best seatpost size.
9. Bismark. Higher if the chocolate is actually good, but I ain't choosy. I'll even eat a Safeway Bismark.
Really, BoyCee?!?! THESE EXIST AND YOU INSIST ON COPYING PORTLANDIAN MAPLE BACON FART SNACKS????!?!?!?!
Top 10 ski songs ever:
1. O Furtuna Imperatrix Mundi
2. Fanfare for the Common Man
3. Toccata and Fugue
4. La Valse
5. Daphnis et Chloé. The whole damn balet.
6. Tanz uf dem Anger
7. Hoedown from Rodeo
8. Dvořák's 8th Symphony, 1st movement
9. Brahms' 1nd Symphony, 4th movement.
10. Habanera. Or if yer a snob, "L'amour est un oisseau rebelle". IKYKYKY.
10. Oh, did you think I meant rock songs? Ha. I win.
11. Okay, fine. School of Fish' Complicator, Toad's Something's Always Wrong, INXS' Don't Change, Emmylou's Where Will I Be?, PJ's Rearviewmirror, Turnpike Troubadours' The Bird Hunters, Patty Loveless' version of You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive, Tool's Pushit (cos why not?!), Highway 101's Long Way Down, Dwight's Blame the Vain--the one with the B Bender Keith Gattis built after working on Clarence White's original that Marty Stuart owns, Fleetwood Mac's Dreams, The Cranberries' Dreams, Patsy Cline's version of Sweet Dreams, Willie and Emmylou and Daniel Lanois' version of Daniel Lanois' The Maker, X's version of Dave Alvin's 4th of July, and Dave Alvin's psychadelic solo version of Long White Cadillac from Romeo's Escape. Are you happy now?
Actually, too, also, now that I'm thinking about it, "Happy Now" is a real banger, as well. As the kids are saying.
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Title from Dave Alvin's Harlan County Line, which you should listen to right now before you move on to other things that aren't as important as listening to Dave Alvin and besides Harlan County Line is like the Colorado of Skiing of music.
